i wish i had some cheese to go with this whine

I have not worked since November 22nd, 2005. That will be six months soon. That’s the longest I’ve gone without working since I was eleven years old. I used to go to work with my dad on nights, weekends, and during the Summer. He laid carpet and I would help move things, fetch tools and help pad and whatever else he needed. By the time I was thirteen I could do the work of a full grown man. It’s what men did. You worked.
I should have stopped working long before I did but I just couldn’t make my self quit. I worked for a company that may have had it’s problems but they took care of me and put food on my table for fourteen years. They kept me on longer than they should have, made allowances for me. I did my best and I have no regrets.
I’ve applied for disability, Social Security. The paperwork and what you have to go through would probably deter most people but I have no choice. My family has no money and no means of providing for me. I have a brother who I could move in with but he has his own family and his own struggles. I would be a huge burden on them. At this point in my condition I’m pretty high maintenance. If I moved in with his family my daughter would have to move back in with her mom. I wouldn’t have to put a gun in my mouth, my heart would just stop. I would just lay down and die.
The people at the Social Security office said it could be four to six months before a decision would be made if I was approved or not, and it would be at least six months before I’d see a check. I would be paid for the back months from the date I filed or from the last day I was able to work. That’s still if I’m approved, and a lot of good it will do when my house is in foreclosure and I‘ve lost everything else. I had very little money saved and a very young 401-k plan through work but we had only had it a short time and it didn’t amount to much. Income tax return helped out some but I’ve only got enough to last a few more months. I’ve been worried sick to say the least. Last week I went to my last doctor’s appointment, or I should say their last appointment and the doctor said if it was up to her I would be approved but she never knows. She just fills out the reports and turns them in, she never hears one way or the other. It did ease my mind a lot that she thought I would though. For the first time in a long time I had the feeling that everything was going to be alright. Disability won’t be much but I should be able to take care of my daughter for a few more years.
Yesterday someone who I love, a family member, not meaning to or thinking said, “You know they are going to turn you down don’t you?” “At least the first time, you’ll probably have to wind up getting a lawyer.” I said nothing and went on about my business, but I was up most of the night. every time I would doze off I would dream that I could not breathe, then when I would wake up I was having trouble breathing. Huffing like I could not get enough air. A few extra puffs from the inhaler didn’t help. So I laid there and thought about what I would do if it doesn‘t work out. I have no plan. I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of not knowing. I’m tired of whining and complaining. I wanted a good nights sleep so I could start back on Lasix today. I don’t think that’s going to happen. I believe it’s going to be a bad day.